The frustration of medication. Monday, Feb 25 2013 

Since the age of 16-17 I have been on medication for anxiety, depression and PTSD. Which also includes isolation from the outside world, hate for myself and people around me, a lack of sleep, a massive change between being too big, being too thin, and so on. I am on my third lot of medication, as I find that most only work for a short period of time, and then my mental state starts to decrease again. Fluoxetine, sertraline, mertazipine, i’ve also used kalms (herbal, not prescribed, although when taken regularly, do relieve stress slightly i’ve found). When I first went to the doctors, I was told I’d only need a short term dose of medication, 6-9months, just to get me back on track, this was when I was 16-17, and now at 19 I still haven’t found a medication I agree with. The latest ones are mertazipine, which have helped me go from 3hours sleep a night, to atleast 5, which was a massive change and help for me. But… I joined weight watchers 4weeks ago, and in 3weeks I lost 6pound, when I went back for my 4th weigh-in I’d gained 2pounds, which really upset and frustrated me due to the fact that I’d been eating what we call here ‘rabbit food’ all week, basically meaning lots of salad and veg, weighing food, trying to be healthy. So I checked the side affects of mirtazipine, and the first side affect was ‘increase in appetite and weight gain’. So, it may help me sleep, but how is it ever going to help me with my depression if its going to make me gain weight, this is a big thing for me as I’m very self conscious, from 11st I fell to 7st, and now I’m at 12st, which is rather high, for my age and height 5ft3. Also at 21.45 a month for weightwatchers, I can’t afford to have a tablet that’s working against me. So, I ask you, what tablets will help with my anxiety, depression, ptsd, and won’t make me gain weight, and will help me sleep? Does this even exist? Someone help!

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Never give up. Saturday, May 25 2013 

Never give up.

Great words.

Why? Friday, Jan 25 2013 

What if this is how it’s meant to be,                                                                                                       Will the monster inside me ever leave?                                                                                            What if I grow old and grey,                                                                                                       With no achievements to portray? 

How am I ever going to make them proud,                                                                                               When my feet are stuck on same ground?                                                                                          How am I going to cope with the fight,                                                                                                  when all motivation’s so far out of sight?

Who is going to remain stood by me,                                                                                                      When I keep persuading them i’m better off lonely?                                                                              Who is going to want to deal,                                                                                                             When I don’t understand what’s fake or real? 

Where am I ever going to go in the world,                                                                                           When my comfort zone is in bed up curled?                                                                                  Where is a place to make this right,                                                                                                         To block out all my darkness with delight?

When is this going to stop,                                                                                                           Because i’m an angry balloon about to pop!                                                                                     When’s the day i’ll wake up and say,                                                                                                         I think everything will be ok! 

Don’t give up on me. Friday, Jan 25 2013 

Don’t give up on me just yet,                                                                                                   I’m learning how to feel.                                                                                                       Don’t let go of what we have,                                                                                                                      I’m learning what is real.

Don’t look away from me,                                                                                                          I’m learning not to hide.                                                                                                                Don’t turn your back on me,                                                                                                             I’m learning to confide.                                          

Don’t laugh as i’m lost in life,                                                                                                            I’m learning how to cope.                                                                                                            Don’t think you aren’t the one I need,                                                                                                   I’m learning about hope.

Don’t let me sense your fear,                                                                                                           I’m learning to be strong.                                                                                                               Don’t let me see your pain,                                                                                                          I’m learning right from wrong.

Please don’t leave me all alone,                                                                                                                    I’m learning how to deal.                                                                                                      Don’t give up on me just yet,                                                                                                            I’m learning how to feel. ❤

The benefits of insomnia… Thursday, Jan 24 2013 

I don’t sleep much, but when you have a field full of snow right outside your house, and its untouched, and you aren’t tired at all, it’s a plus side I suppose! This is Frosterlina ❤ImageImageImageImage

Ok so, here’s PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) from my personal view, it’s an easier way of describing the way it makes someone feel, I want to make awareness of it and maybe one day people will take it as seriously as it should be, so here’s my poem : Thursday, Jan 24 2013 

Image

Broken I will stand alone.♥

I feel i’ve been taken away,
I struggle to find a reason for each day,
I don’t know who I am inside,
My identity has found a place to hide.

I see a face that I don’t know,
And the more I look I feel the hatred grow,
I don’t like this person that I see,
Because I can’t seem to remember me.

It’s like i’m lost in some sort of maze,
I’m living in a blurry daze,
I don’t understand what’s took control,
I’m here but something’s got my soul.

I am an outsider looking down,
watching myself wreck everything around,
I can’t feel emotion, i’m numb inside,
It’s like all my feelings have slowly died.

I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do,
I can’t see myself getting through,
A big cloud has come along and blocked the future I could see,
So i’m left wondering if this is how it’ll always be.

I’ve lost reality and lost control of life, now I can’t maintain this grip,
Everytime I take a step forward I feel myself slip,
Slip back into this hole that i’ve come to know so well,
I need to look back and find where it was I fell.

Everything down here is so dark and so cold,
This isn’t the future that i’d been told,
I feel so confused and all alone,
And I can’t see how i’ve killed all that had grown.

I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed away,
Until noone has energy left to stay,
Am I really all to blame,
I think this is a mind game.

I can’t laugh and I can’t smile,
I constantly feel like i’m on trial,
What did I do that was so bad,
To take away the life I had.

I have no energy left to fight,
I’m too exhausted to see what’s right,
I give up as I have nothing left to give,
This is no way for someone to live.

It wasn’t my choice to be this way,
But it’s me that suffers everyday,
I’m the one being punished, the one hurting all the time,
I feel like i’m prisoner for some sort of crime.

Tell it I don’t want to play anymore,
Tell it I give up being stuck behind this locked door,
Let me out, set me free,
This isn’t how I want to be.

Broken I will stand alone.♥

The vegetarian option. Thursday, Jan 24 2013 

I’ve only been a vegetarian around 7/8 months now, well, when I say vegetarian i’m actually a pescetarian, in other words a sloppy vegetarian who still eats fish. In my short time of not eating any meat at all, i’ve come to notice that a lot of restaurants/cafes/takeaways don’t really cater for vegetarians. Fed up of going for a meal and only being able to have Veggie burger and chips? My partner hasn’t ate meat since he was a young child, in his words this is because he “doesn’t see it as food” which is fair enough, also fair enough if people do want to eat meat, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion obviously. But what I do find strange is that most people (or atleast most people I know) are brought up without even knowing about being a vegetarian, they eat meat as that’s what they’ve always known. Thinking about it logically, it wouldn’t really be any more difficult to cater just as many V options as there is not suitable for V’s. Another thing i’ve noticed is that if you don’t eat meat, most restaurants assume you eat cheese (if not a vegan) I don’t understand why they think this? My partner doesn’t like to eat meat/fish/cheese/beans/ and many more, he is a fussy eater, but I still feel for him when we go for a meal, and all he can have is veggie burger and chips. If you eat fish, like me, you’re a bit luckier as there is always the famous fish&chips option (Y) And yes, fair enough there is vegetarian restaurants, but they aren’t as common as normal restaurants, and why should you have to go out of your way just to eat what you want, when others don’t have to, huh? 

Something that absoloutely disgusts me about some takeaways, is that they don’t always display a V sign, so you have to ask, which is perfectly fine, but when you’re answered with ‘yes, it’s suitable for vegetarians’ and then you go back another time and are told it’s not, it’s terrible.

I think there should be more options available for vegetarians, they should be able to go to a restaurant without assuming there’ll only be one thing, if not nothing, that they can have.

Imagine how nice it would be to walk in and look at a menu, and everything had a normal option and a V option, for example, Roast dinner-Quorn roast. Spaghetti bolognese-V spaghetti bolognese. Beef lasagne-Quorn lasagne. Not just, veggie burger and chips, cheese and tomato pizza, cheese and tomato quiche, macaroni cheese…(see where i’m coming from about the cheese part?) 

I imagine vegans think like this too, and it’s probably even more difficult for them.

I know there will be some people who will read this and think “But it’s your choice if you don’t want to eat meat” but we could easily reply ” but it’s your choice if you want to eat meat.”

Food places should put more consideration into their menus.

 

 

The monster. Wednesday, Jan 23 2013 

This is the first time i’ve wrote a post like this, or any kind for that matter. I was just browsing the internet before when I came across all of this blogging ‘stuff’. So bare with me please if my writing isn’t up to a very good standard.

I thought this a good place to share thoughts/feelings of what has taken over my life, I see other people have spent time doing so, and apparently by using this as a way to get things off their minds helps. So here goes,

I read a post from a woman who was talking us through her problem with bi-polar and the fears she had of making it public as it had gotten to a stage where she was unable to keep it unnoticed, she had to go into work one morning and discuss with her boss/supervisor the problems she had and also further problems that could arise during/outside of work. But, they were all accepting and willing to be as helpful and supportive as possible when/where they could. I could relate as I have had similar issues…

I’m 19, and i’ve suffered with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder), severe anxiety,and severe depression for about 3 years now, unfortunately having the first disorder tends to role all 3 in together and becomes a vicious circle. It may only be 3 years of the 19 I have lived, but to be honest it feels like a life time, especially seeing as i have become stuck in such a hole that i’m unable to really remember the ‘normal’ life I led before all this happened to me.

It took a year of being ashamed to admit to myself there was even a problem, and after a few trips to the doctors I quickly gave up seeking help, as i’d had no real advice given, i’d just  been fobbed off with “read this book.” “Read this leaflet.” “It’s just a phase”, I think it was due to how young I was, they weren’t aware of the severity of the problem and just saw me as a young attention seeking drama queen maybe? 

Anyway, I had a trip out with my dad’s side of the family, it was a tradition, something we all did together every year, and during my time there I noticed I was getting really hot, I started to feel quite dizzy, dehydrated, shakey, sweaty, and so on… so I went outside for air, and when this didn’t cool me down at all, I became more worried, I tried playing on my phone, looking at plants and so on to take my mind of these weird feelings I was having, but it wasn’t working, I could feel my heart beat increasing, and soon after I felt I was going to pass out, I sat in the cafe and got a drink, by this time, I was drenched in sweat, I was pale, I had no idea what was happening to me, I was hyper ventilating, I started feeling tingling all over my body, I reached out for my drink to find I couldn’t move my fingers, they were stuck in a ‘claw like’ shape. so now i’m worrying more. Anyway to skip all the more boring parts, it ended with me unable to move my body at all and an ambulance being called – they were unable to come. I was stuck for atleast half an hour, and I have to admit it was one of the most scariest things in my entire life – so far. It turned out it was a panic attack, a bad one. So I returned to the doctors, yet again, another leaflet.

Few months on and i’d lost weight enormously, stopped eating, isolated myself and stopped going anywhere, unable to find the courage to, and unable to find any motivation.

I rang  my doctors, and made an appointment with a dr who’d seen me years ago,  when I was a child, straight away he referred me, to the mental health team, who then referred me to a therapist, counsellor, and so on.

It’s now been 2 years since i’ve been receiving different types of help, and medication, and even though things have improved they’re nowhere near ‘normal’.

I’ve lost a lot of people on my journey through discovering my illness, partly my fault I must admit, due to not leaving the house, not answering the phone or the door and other things, but I also feel that a lot of my so-called ‘friends’ could have been a lot more supportive, undertstanding and helpful as opposed to just realising I wasn’t the friend they wanted anymore, and they just left me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have hardly any friends, i’m glad, because i’ve lost the ones I never needed is the way I look at it, and if they weren’t there for me when I needed them more than ever, then I don’t want them in my life now.

I’ve had a lot of fear of telling people what’s going on with me, because I can’t fully understand it myself, so I find it hard to tell others, but I was fed up of having to let people down all the time, fed up of being called lazy, boring, stupid, all of those things, So about 8months ago I told the world, I decided they could either accept me or reject me for it, i’d tried but there was no way around it, told them all I had Ptsd, I was scared of everyday things, simple tasks – such as just leaving my home alone, talking to people, I was scared to live, I used to have so many ambitions, targets, and things I wanted to do, but that’s all I can remember of my past, before I was taken over by my mental health, I cry and I shout, I throw things, I stay in bed, I don’t get dressed, I don’t work, I don’t go anywhere, I have a life I don’t want. I’ve turned into a person I dislike a lot, and I know a lot of people dislike the way it makes me act, but they know I’m unable to control myself anymore, if I could helep it I would, if people genuinely care for you, they’ll stick around no matter what this throws at you, and help as much as possible, because when they learn to understand, that’s when they’ll know – The monster’s got me.

 

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